Personality Traits Of A Cheater - Infidelity
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What makes a person cheat? Surely there must be some element of "dysfunction" lurking beneath their normally charming selves. There seems to be a common set of personality traits and circumstances that set cheaters apart from their non-philandering counter-parts. The sooner you are able to recognize these traits, the closer your are to protecting yourself from their selfish ways. Here are some qualities typically found in cheaters:
1. Cheaters are often narcissists or at least exhibit qualities of a narcissist, they are selfish and greedy and often think only of themselves. A narcissist feels a sense of entitlement and will do whatever necessary to feed the "narcissist supply." They lack empathy so this makes it possible for them to take on affair partners and not feel any guilt about doing so.
2. Cheaters are very good liars. They can look you in the eye and tell a lie without even blinking. They have been known to tell tall tales that are so outrages that you have to almost believe it because they make it sound so convincing. Many cheaters live such a life of deception that there is no line of where truth ends and lies begin. They have to lie every day to get away with what they are doing so they become very skilled at it. Not all liars are cheaters but you cant be a cheater and not be a liar, the two go hand in hand.
3. Cheaters are typically very jealous. They are always questioning you and frequently accusing you of inappropriate behaviour or flirtations. The very fact that they are capable of being unfaithful puts them on the defensive and paranoia sets in. If they are doing it, well surely their spouse must be doing it also. They are so deep into their life of lies and deception that insecurity sets in and they begin to accuse you of not only cheating, but lying etc. If you are in tune to your cheating spouses behaviour you can pretty much figure out what they are up to just by listening to what their accusations are.
4. A common trait among cheaters is their constant need for more; more money, more attention, more recognition etc, these kinds of people are never happy or satisfied. They need constant attention and frequent ego boosts. They are always looking for that next hobby or activity to satisfy their needs, yet they are never happy no matter what they have in their lives. This is often very evident in the next trait.
5. Flirts! Cheaters are most often but not always huge flirts. They need validation from the opposite sex and they need to feel wanted by the opposite sex. They often see any flirtatious exchange no matter how small, as an invitation for more. It's not so much that they have huge ego's as it is that they lack self esteem. Many times they will flirt in front of you as if it's harmless fun. Maybe they think if we see it with out own eyes that we believe they wouldn't be bold enough to do it in secret. "Yes, he's a huge flirt but he always flirts with me there so it's harmless." Flirting is disrespectful and should raise a huge red flag- period!
6. The sad part of a cheaters personality is that they often have emotional scars from their past. Maybe they were emotionally abused as children, ignored, love and attention may have been with held or maybe their own role models were in messed up relationships. Cheaters often have a huge amount of emotional dependency. The very thing they desire is the thing that causes them to cheat. The fear of being alone is so huge that they need a back up plan, they need to know that someone is always available for them. Often times you may feel your spouses emotionally dependency on you is so high that they would never risk losing you over an affair. But the catch here is that their insecurity is so strong that they need to seek out extra-marital affairs to ensure they are never alone.
7. Cheaters are sometimes risk takers or thrill seekers in other areas of their lives as well. With cheating, it's the lies and fear of getting caught that actually fuels their fire. They just can't seem to resist the thrill of the chase and when the opportunity for reciprocation arrives they cant seem to resist.
8. Past cheating- if your partner has confessed to cheating in other relationships you need to pay attention. It a great indication of their moral code. If they have admitted to being unfaithful in past relationships then they have pretty much confirmed that it's a line they have no problem crossing.
9. Cheaters often grew up in families were cheating occurred or a parent was disrespected in some other form. I'm not saying that cheating is genetic, just pointing out that if a person grew up and this behaviour was all they knew or had to model, they may be a little more inclined to believe that this is normal, acceptable behaviour.
10. How he treats his Mother! This is a tricky one but you can gain a lot of information about a man by the way he treats his Mom. If a man has no respect for women (especially his Mom) he is more likely to cross that line into infidelity. On the contrary, if he holds women in high regard and appreciates them as valuable creatures deserving respect he is less likely to cheat.
Do you have any thoughts on personality traits or behaviours that may contribute to a partner being unfaithful? Please share!
- cheat lie repeat
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I agree Shea, it is sociopathic. Sad that it is witnessed so early in life and continues into adulthood where the "stakes" of the behaviour are so much higher. Thanks for your input :)
I have always wondered how women felt about husbands who constantly flirt. That sort of thing is usually explained to me as: He is just being himself. I interpret that phrase as: Back off the subject.
I agree that some women are quick to dismiss their husbands cheating with similar comments. I often wonder if it's a "save-face" tactic or if they really are comfortable that "he is just being himself". I was never a fan of a man flirting with others when he was with me or a fan of someone elses man flirting with me in front of their partner. It's a fine line but either scenario causes an "ick" feeling with me.
Great hub. You really hit on very valid characteristics, and it gave me chills thinking about some certain people I've come across in my life.
Do you think that the pattern of cheating can be broken? Do you think that if a man were to find a woman that he absolutely was in love with, and she gave him the attention he so-badly desired, that he'd be content? Or, is it always burning inside; when a pretty woman walks by, or gives him attention (when his ego is boosted), he starts to "fuel the fire", as you stated, regardless of who is at home?
This topic is very interesting to me, and I will definitely continue to read your hubs.
This is such a painful thing to go through. I applaud you for wanting to help & educate others!
Hi Veronica,
Thank so much for taking the time to read and leave your thoughts. I appreciate it.
To answer some of your questions: I personally don't believe that the pattern of cheating can be broken except in maybe very few incidents. I do believe that its possible for someone to make one mistake under certain circumstances (maybe too much to drink or something like that) and they really learn from it, regret it and never do it again. Dont get me wrong, it's not an excuse, they still messed up bad and if it happened to me at this stage I wouldn't forgive even that! I now have zero tolerance.
On the other side of the coin, I think if a person can cross that line once, then it's a moral code that they are comfortable breaking or bending. If someone shows you who they are, believe them. They have already told you that they believe cheating is acceptable. To be fair, some people do change...but I believe very, very few.
I think men who have the traits the require them to need attention, praise and to feel important and desirable will always confuse boundaries when a pretty woman looks their way or shows interest. I also think that if women have even the slightest nagging feeling of "is he?" that most likely he is. Deep down we often know that we have a cheater on our hands, we see inappropriate behaviour that we excuse or make lightly of, we just don't want to believe that they person we love would go so far as to cheat on us. Often cheaters really do love their partners, show them love, affection and attention- which is why we think "not possible" Very possible! They do love us to the best of their ability but they are also selfish and will betray us if it suits their "need". Some are so lacking in self-esteem that the feed on the wife's attention but they want even more. It's a very complex issue.
In your personal message you said people often didn't want to discuss this happening to them because it came with an element of shame. I was like that for many years after but the more I read and researched, the more I realized it had nothing to do with me. I am kind, smart, have always been told I was attractive.... he had it all, he knew he had it all and he tried his best to keep it, despite his cheating. He is broken and he will do it to every woman he gets involved with. He has since had three failed relationship due to his cheating... he will never break that pattern.
Wow. Good for you for what you said about yourself. =] You definitely sound like a strong woman! And, as the saying goes "you don't know what you have until you've lost it." I'm sure some -those completely morally derailed- still don't comprehend the good that they had, but I do hope that your ex has, or will someday. Even though you say he'll never break the pattern, I hope that he does have some kind of reckoning one day, and learns to deal w/ whatever the reason is behind his behavior.
I'm getting a bit deep, and don't mean to...
Anyway, I think you're right; that most people can't or won't change - that the pattern won't be broken. If only we still had the scarlet letters. I agree that once people cross that line (like with drugs, theft, etc.), it's hard to not do so again. As if it becomes a challenge, a thrill, or an addiction. Not to say that people can't hold back, but it is natural to not do so.
I thank you, again, for writing these Hubs. It's given me much to think about, as I'm sure it has others.
Veronica
He knows and he suffers. Initially I had all the pain as women tend to feel things right from the gate, while men often take to the partying and life of freedom full tilt, then that gets old and they see that there is a lot of the same ole same ole out there. Jumping from bed to bed I imagine would eventually leave you feeling empty.
By the time they start hurting & regretting (usually 6 months to a year), we are well on our path to healing. What we did during that time was the work required to fix ourselves and heal ourselves, while they continued to live freely and repeat the same patterns that left them "empty" to begin with. By the time he began begging, the ship was long sailed.
This hub is great and so true.
Thank you, it was certainly true in my experience.
These are so true! I wish I had read this a year ago. I just found out my bf has been cheating for 10 months, we have been together for a year. Looking back he has a lot of these qualities. I am so devastated but I will move on, he wants a second chance but that's to much to ask, I think it will always be a part of who he is. Is it once a cheater, always a cheater?
These personality traits may be true. But sometimes for some people like me, cheating helps me to love my wife more. It is like rekindling our love as it is exciting. I have been with my partner for 9 years, but everytime i find a woman to have affair with, it makes me love her more. And i even give her more attention. cheating is the best cure or boredness. And tonight I have just made some advances to our neighbor who is single mother of one child and a family friend. I know some people can call me sick ( maybe I am) but she gave me some positive signal. it is the first time i am so close to home, but i cannot stop having wild dream about her. any suggestions on how to deal with her. I know this ones if my partner (wife) find out, it will be a complete disaster. But i cannot let her go like this, she is so nice looking and seem like she wants it!!!
First of all I am not going to judge you because that would not be fair. I do however want to share a true story.
My ex husband had it all, a loving, faithful, attractive (yes moi) wife, a beautiful son, a dog, a cottage, a boat, motorcycle ...you name it, he had it. Today he is a sad lonely 43 year old man living with his parents until he gets back on his feet. I have no doubt that he loved me ( to the extent of his "capability" of loving someone) I know for a fact that even though he cheated, he believed he would die without me. He gambled, he lost! I'm sure he got bored at times, new baby, tired wife, life getting routine and predictable...heck, I felt the same thing at times...but I didn't cheat. I sought other interest to ride out the ebb and flow of the marriage.
My point, he got caught and he lost everything. He is miserable and he has jumped from relationship to failed relationship searching for something close to what he lost. Me, I am engaged to an amazing man, have a baby on the way, smile daily and feel blessed that I got a second chance at love, a love that wasn't lacking (because in hindsight, I felt something wasn't right).
I would have loved that man to my dying day regardless, because I made that vow! When I found out he cheated (and cheated repeatedly) I had to eventually decide that I loved myself (and my son) more than I loved him... we deserved more. We ended up with it!
I can't tell you what to do, but I really hope you give some thought as to what the outcome will be if you get caught. Your wife does not deserve this, you promised more. I promise you as someone who has been devastated by Infidelity, that you are committing one of the most hateful acts imaginable on a person you claim to love. Yes, we are human, yes there are temptations... have the mental fantasy but focus the physical part on your wife. Its unrealistic to think we will never be turned on by someone other than our partner, but it's possible to use that to enhance the relationship we have instead of take away from it.
Whatever you ultimately decide I hope you fully realize the consequences. The single mom, family friend is a very very bad idea. Eventually you are going to hook up with someone who will end up wanting more and they will rat you out to your wife. It's all fun and exciting in the beginning but women are weird creatures, eventually we want more and one of these times you will have an affair with someone who will go to any length to make you hers alone, these type of women will contact your wife and rat you out, they will make sure she hears every detail, every lie etc etc. Its how my ex got caught. Don't risk more than your willing to lose, that's the best advice I can give you. Good luck! You're not sick, but there is a reason (deep reason) why you cheat, something in you is broken and you should work on repairing it.
Hi, my father cheated on my mother way back in the 50's. He found another woman and left my mother with kids to raise alone. He had a drinking problem, too. He didn't help with child support. I heard that he like to make sarcastic remarks a lot. He was a mean drunk. He moved to Las Vegas with the other woman. I never saw him again. He never wrote or anything. Mom had to support the family then. That must of been a terrible time for mom, but she got through it ok. Great hub.
shea duane Level 6 Commenter 7 months ago
cheating in all areas of life is a behavior that begins early in school... it's, in my opinion, sociopathic. i have 'busted' so many kids cheating ... and i just know many of them grow up to cheat on the mates and their taxes... it seems to be how they see the world.